Poetry/5 ?

What is the purpose of today?

I am on the verge of exploding. Imploding. Collapsing.
In the search of me
This being who breathes, eats, needs, reaches
Likes chocolate and sugar
Sweat and good runs
Likes women, lips, eyes, compassion

Aches, breaks, seeks while
Putting on the same deodorant for weeks
Making goals, planning and forgetting
Losing interest, renewed, turned off, turned onnn

Dark chocolate, lemon sorbet
Memories of childhood
Structure, soccer, heterosexual spinning world
Open fridge
Swinging around lazy susan
One
More
Time

Depressed like a flat bike tire
No where to go
Out of shape, out of steam
Out of luck
Out of the (closet)?
Only to a few
In denial
In a funky sad space

Wondering
Could you
Be … my mother? No my friend, lover,
Media naranja
Like him, like her, I, we love, love life
In its stretching
Aching, beating like drums
Burning like candles
Blazing like stoners
Baking like bread
Active like yeast
Proud like thunder
Humble and present like mice
Yeah we’ll throw the dice
For a roll
A shamrock and roll
All the way up up up to the golden gates
With more sun and bounce than California
More sweet than Sweden
More run than Iran more rocks than Iraq
And that last line was stupid
Almost peculiarly putrid
And the ring rang rag renders a rusty rhyme
Like a wagon wheel
Squeaky squawking for grease
And its not
Coming
Off

And the beat duh duh duh duh duh duh
Goes on
Like this lonely ole feeling
Cant shake it
Cant bake it
Cant fake it
I just can’t do it Simon
Cause Cecilia’s still breakin my heart
And the bridge over troubled water’s
Joined London and’s fallen down down down
And im bum dumpty like Humpty
But a rainbow humpty that’s seen life
And broken like a mosaic tile texture
Into a million little pieces
Sand grains
NYC new years confetti
Rain drops
Blood cells

I want to leave
Screaming
Running
Frolicking in fields
With sunshine and wild flowers
Not tripping I swear, I promise, I cross my heart
And don’t hope to die
For life is and can be good
But what is this awful monotonous day
Of drinking and living so
Surface shallow
Give me depth or give me death
I LOVE YOU
People, neighbor, friend
I LOVE You
Why can and do we not make, take, break time
Into bigger pieces
For one another
Why blame
Why cut out
Stomp on
Angry eye
Mistreat, don’t treat
Abuse, neglect
Blah blah blah bad bad bad
To people people people
And in my heart
Within my being
My breathing
This beating beating soul
Is the capacity to COME ALIVE
To be ALIVE
To breathe deeply
To be sunshine
To be rain
To sink roots like a tree, make friends with worms and soil
And yet
I’m parched, I’m lonely
Wanting wanting wanting more
Depth, not shallow surface superficial suffocating unsubstantial surfeit

Take it away
Remove it from sight
Bring a new canvas
A new palate
This spark is lit
The wick shortens
Flame finds oxygen, burns brighter
Deeper, deeper, deeper
Out of the darkness
Into the sun
With the fields, friends, flowers, the real life of truth, beauty, justice, movement, change
Of DECISION of meaning
What is the purpose of today
What is/was today’s purpose? Meaning? Value?
What have I been taught, what did I teach
What did I say too softly, too brashly or not say at all?
Where and when was I present? Intentional

Not aching, breaking, tearing my teeth out of
My gums
Bleeding
Belly aching, headaching from hunger
Running shorts flying up
And looking, for you
For a friend
For love
For a kind smile, for lips, a warm body
To laugh and hold
To read and be bold with
In a new way

The zanmis call it
Equal opportunity loving
And yes, I have signed on the line
This line of life
Love
Agape
And and and

Today has taught me to love
The purpose of today: to love